I can't believe that 10 weeks home has past already. I am not ready to leave my little boy and reenter the work scene. We just haven't had enough time. I think that I was much more stressed about this a couple of weeks ago, having nightmares and feeling a lot of anxiety about how to find the right child care situation. Unfortunately, and perhaps fortunately, I wasn't able to get full coverage for the 3 remaining weeks of June, so won't be going back the 60% time we had agreed on until after the 4th of July. It has been challenging finding the right fit with daycare or nanny care. But I do have someone I have hired to come into our home who worked for 3 years for a friend of the families, so I should be feeling at ease. But I know tomorrow morning when I leave the house rather than participating in our morning routine together is going to be very difficult for both of us. I am only going for a half day, but it will be hard enough. Oddly, Ritesh has in the past couple of weeks started to become much more attached to me (more so than before) and much more unhappy about me leaving him with anyone. So again, tomorrow morning is going to be very trying for us both.
Anyway, our time over the past 10 weeks has been precious... moments of great joy and moments of frustration. I have a lot of work to do on my own patience with myself, him and others, and in keeping myself from getting too flustered from the multi-tasking and lack of time to just catch my breath and reflect or organize my thoughts. This is a rare moment. I should be cleaning up the kitchen, folding laundry or getting things organized for the nanny, Maggie, who arrives at 8:00 am tomorrow morning. It will be a late night.
As I said to someone the other day, I would very much like to suddenly become independently wealthy, have a partner who tells me not to worry, I can be a stay at home mom for the rest of the year, or to have my work place become very flexible about the number of hours I work while we are still adjusting to our new lives. Somehow, we will make it work. After all, I missed the first two years of Ritesh's life, and this is a fundamental time in his development and our family building, so I will find a way to keep the focus on him despite the pressures all around me.
